what could possibly happen next?

2004-09-25

delusions

Saturday morning. Quiet so far. I haven't heard from Jessie yet. I know that she is in class right now. She takes a guitar class on saturdays. I'm really hoping that not every post that I make is going to be about her. That is retarted. Let's see, what else is there to talk about. Alabama is lurking around. I've been avoiding her successfully though. What else? hmmm. Nothing. OK, tell me if this is stupid. Nevermind, you don't have to tell me, you could just listen. This is how my screwed up head works. It will be good insight into just how fucked up I am. I sent Jessie an e-card last night. Just a thinking of you kind of card. I got the reply notice back at 2:45 am. Here's what my head thinks: Ahhhh, 2:45 am? that would be just about the time one would get home from a bar and check your emails. I never heard from her last night after she told me that she didn't feel well and wasn't going to be able to make it. That's the first place my head goes. What does it matter? I think that if she is smart she will figure out what a nut case I am (although I try to keep it well hidden). Maybe she already has. For me though, the thing is this. I'm already preparing for the execution. I know that I am not putting up with any lying bullshit from anyone. I've had enough of that. NO second chances. NO it was just anything. I will be done. End of story. Why? Because I really do like her and that's the worse kind of pain to deal with. If I didn't care it would be a lot easier. I'm not putting my heart out to be smashed anymore. Hold on, that's not true, let me amend that. I WILL put my heart out, but if you break or hurt it, woe be on you. I will snatch it back so quick and you will never see it again. I am sounding like an idiot. I'm sure NONE of you are as mental as I am. LOL. OK, I'm going to stare at the t.v. now and wait for her to call. bye!