what could possibly happen next?

2004-12-07

Happy tuesday

Hey everybody! Thought I would leave a note just to let ya know that I am not dead or in rehab. It hasn't been crazy, really. My head has been a little crazy though. Like I said, I get fucked up this time of the year. I think it's when I feel the most like a piece of shit. Unworthy of being happy at christmas. Kids spread out all over the earth. Seeing all the happy families going shopping together. I don't have that. I see parents with their children and I want to start crying. It's like the darkest part of me. Where I hurt the most. It makes me not want to feel anything. To be numb. I only know a couple of ways to numb myself and neither of them are especially attractive. Yet I gladly dive into these things headfirst. I think the biggest resentment that I have is not having my children on a daily basis. Sorry, I feel ripped off. Cheated. I'm not so pissed at Kelly for this, because it was bad and we weren't compatible and it went on a year longer than it probably should have. But the others? Knowing how fucked up I was already by not having my kids? I told you, remember? You assured me. You wouldn't ever do that to me with our child. Remember that? Fucking liars! Sure you wouldn't. It's not even your faults, I don't think that you do this to someone maliciously. It just happens. One more big fucking hole in my heart. If it makes you feel any better, I cry. I grieve the loss of my children. Yes, I get to see them and talk to them but they are not mine like they are yours. The next time you ask me why I'm so fucked up and why I don't call all the time think about it. I know it's not right. I'm so far from perfect it's not funny. I didn't want it this way. It's been thrust upon me and so I deal with it the best I can. Anyway, when everyone's sitting around opening presents christmas morning, with their eyes wide as their smiles, can you take a picture for me? It's making me want to scream just thinking about it. I may get to fuck off and be single and fuck all the girls that I want, as you say. You get that. You get them. Maybe I'll get a picture. Maybe a phone call. I'll be laying in bed with the sheets pulled over my head. Merry fucken christmas.