what could possibly happen next?

2004-06-05

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Hmm, some things are hard to talk about on here because my actual friends in my life read this. This is my journal and I try to be honest about what's going on with me. I'm not going to stop now, even though it would be easier just to omit the truth sometimes. I went to the bar after work yesterday and had a couple of beers. I didn't get drunk. I didn't lose my wallet. I wish this wasn't as big a deal as it could become. I don't want to drink everyday. I'd much rather go to a coffeeshop and just kick it. I'm torn up inside because I don't want to lose all of my friends again but I don't neccesarily want to be sober. I don't want to be a drunk either. AUGH! It's a hard line. So, I probably won't drink today. There's no reason for it. Yesterday was just getting off of work and talking to friends and having a couple of beers with them. Like what people do. I think my big dilemna is I want so hard to be normal. Have a drink on a date. Or after work with my buddy. Not all the time. Occasionally. Do you all see what I'm doing? I'm rationalizing and justifying my reasons for drinking. At least that is what I have become brainwashed into believing. 20 years of AA and NA can have this effect on ya. Alllrighty then, I'm outta here!