what could possibly happen next?

2004-06-20

RE-statement of Diary Mission

I hung out with my man James tonight. It was nice. Alabama's dad has been very cool to me. Alabama was there tonight as well. I am such a sucker. We didn't have sex or anything but we were holding hands and kissing a little. Don't worry folks, I'm sure that she will dissapear by tomorrow for a week until she gets tired of tweaking and then come crawling back home. Enough of that. Let's talk about James for awhile. He is such a good baby. He is all smiles and little yelps. I fed him and gave him a bath tonight and changed his diaper. Gave him a big hug and a kiss before we put him to bed. I'm doing the best I can with all of this. If anyone thinks that it is easy or that maybe I'm too flippant about all of my kids, you can kindly go fuck off! If you don't think that I die everyday inside because I don't have my children with me you are so dead wrong. I ache for them just like any mother would that had their children snatched away from them. I don't get to see them everyday. How do you think that makes me feel? How do I combat this? Mostly with humor. Sometimes with drugs and alcohol. Sorry if that isn't the proper way to handle things. Tell ya what... you deal with the trauma of losing your children and see how you react. I think that I do pretty well, to be honest. It's probably good that I am a little crazy. Why am I even talking about this? I guess because I almost go out of my way when I am talking to someone that I think could end up being special in my life not to lie to me, I am expecting that they won't. That last sentence was terrible but I'm tired. That's another thing. This is MY journal and I'm not going to sugar-coat shit for anyone. sugar coating is for candy asses. I'm not, and I'm tired of watching what I have to say around here. It's been stifling me a bit lately. I'm typing what I think that you want to hear instead of how I really feel. If it's not pc or "nice" I haven't been typing it. Oh, duh, wait a sec..... It's my fucking diary! I know that I'm being repetitive now, I'm just trying to drive home the point to myself.