what could possibly happen next?

2004-09-24

Eeeek!

Friday night. Sitting at home. The sewer is backed up. Just got done cleaning a few gallons of water off the bathroom floor. Doing laundry. I'd much rather be sitting with Jessie somewhere. Anywhere. Whatever. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to get myself all wrapped up in somebody and then get my feelings hurt. I'm not going to let that happen. Alabama sent me a couple of notes today. Fuck her. Honestly, I really hope that I am not getting under Jessie to get over Alabama. I don't think that is what is happening but who knows? What really sucks is because I'm feeling just a bit insecure right now I want to call Alabama. Isn't that sick? It's like even though I know she is fucked up at least it is familiar and I know what to expect from her. I really need to get some help. Now, before everyone starts freaking out, I'm not going to contact Alabama. No matter how I feel. I am going to believe that Jessie is really not feeling well (she really hasn't been) and just wants to rest. See what's happened to me since the Alabama experience? I'm fucked up now. I don't trust anyone. I immediately assume they are lying to me. I've got to get over that but I really don't know how. I also don't want to be acting all fucked up towards Jessie. I'm afraid when I see her tomorrow (in my head I'm going, "if" I see her tomorrow) I'm going to be distant. Man, I think I need to get some therapy. My thinking is really fucked up anymore. I feel like crying right now. I'm way too sensitive for a guy. Not bawling my eyes out or nothing. Just weeping. I'm thinking it's not about Jessie either. It's about all the loss I've experienced in my life. When I start getting like this all that shit comes right up to the surface. Much like the sewage I just cleaned up. I could use a good de-rooter right about now. For me.