what could possibly happen next?

2004-10-08

Let's take it a little deeper

I hesitate to preface what I write. I'm going to anyway. I'm a little fucked up right now. Mind altering chemicals. Yeah, a little relapse. Actually, it's been going on for the last week. The only reason I'm saying ANYTHING about it is because I guess I don't like being secretive about shit. The reason I HESITATE to talk about it is that I don't want my words discounted as being under the influence. My feelings are still real. Maybe even more so than when I am clean because usually I am too uptight to express myself when I am not loaded.

I'm not upset at the jessie thing anymore, except in the I feel kinda silly kind of way when you read back over your entries. The truth is, I think I feel worse that I even talked about what I was feeling and what I was thinking. It was really how I felt but now I am mad that I copped to it. I want to be like other people and be able to go "awww, she didn't mean anything. Just another good fuck. Next?" I think it's called saving face. It would be a lot easier if only I knew how much I liked her and not the rest of you. I don't want you to know that I was rejected by someone that I really dug because in my head that says there is something fundementally wrong with me. Then talking about how much I thought she liked me makes me just want to gag. The saving grace in that is that at least I have her letters on here also. I think the things that she said and the actions that she took would make anyone think that they were mutually into it. To sum it up, what I'm trying to say is that I feel stupid exposing myself but that I will continue to do so for my own mental health. It's the secrets that we keep that eat away at us. So that's why I'm telling you about the drugs. The drinking. The gambling. The shitty relationships. All of it. I want to expose myself so that I don't slip away. Does that make any sense? Not in the, "help me, I'm out of control, this is a cry for help" kind of way. I'm doing good for the things that have happened this week. Actually, I'm feeling more relaxed right now and comfortable with myself than I have in awhile. The lonely feeling is starting to subside. It's the strongest at night. Like I said last night, I don't just miss Jessie. She's probably the least. I miss my kids. I miss my mom. I miss Michelle when things were going good. It all comes to me late at night before I go to sleep. I usually wake up and feel great but at night after a day full of living and trying NOT to think I have time to think. That's where my head goes. To the good times. Any of my daughters as infants taking a nap on my chest. Sometimes, they are all still babies to me. My beautiful babies. Just like my man James. I feel so powerless sometimes. Ron's moving to L.A. He just got engaged to his girlfriend last weekend. I'm going to miss the hell out of him even though we haven't been as close this last year. You know how you just have that "thing" with somebody? That even if you haven't talked for awhile you instantly feel comfortable talking to them? That's Ronnie and I. Alright. I'm writing a bunch of blather that keeps seeking a conclusion or a tying up point and I just keep running in circles. Please, one thing. If you're reading this and your worried about my physical and mental well being, I'm fine. I want to be able to talk about this on here but if I get a lot of "you really need to get help..." kind of notes, I'm just going to stop talking about it. If you want to drop me a note commenting on that particular subject, just send me an e-mail. I'll reply to it personally. I just don't want my note section to look like a "Let's save bub!" section. That would bum me out. I know that you care. You wouldn't be reading this drivel if you didn't. Thanks.