what could possibly happen next?

2005-01-18

You got me

I'm trying to avoid writing about this. Yet I feel compelled. Let's face it. Ok, let me face it. Alabama, for better or worse, is back in my life. How she snuck back in there, I haven't a clue. As most of us know by now, part of it is the sex. Great sex. Best sex that I have ever had in my life. I've had a lot of quantity sex AND quality sex and she is like sex partner of my life. First team, All american.If it was just pedestrian, or she was just hot, it would be easier. It's not a quantity thing either. I am not lacking in willing sex participants. Even if I was, I've never had a problem finding them.

I think that she really appeals to my basic white trash nature. Remember, although I wouldn't be even considered close to a redneck now, that's where I started. My formative teenage years were spent running around a small rural town, using large quantities of drugs, moving from one party house to another. Fucking, fighting, and partying. That I was even able to evolve from that kind of fucked up starting point speaks volumes about how fortunate I was to discover punk rock and the power of reading to educate myself and make my own decisions. BUT, there's still a lot of that fucked up boy inside of me. The one that wants to party all night. That wants to have sex with multiple partners. That hates people that are different from himself. It's a constant struggle. Alabama appeals to that part of me I think. It's kind of ironic that her father is a gay man being that she is as redneck as she is. She can be racist in that southern way, what I think is called cultural racism. It's not like she's running around throwing the "n" word around or anything. Maybe it's entitlement? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now.

I can't seem to keep much of a continuous thought. As I'm typing my eyes are getting tired and my mind is slowing. I hate getting old. Old and tired. My fingers kinda ache as I'm typing. Did you know that I have broken all of my fingers at one time or another? My right index finger is the worst. Worst as far as pain goes. I have a lot of scars on my hands too. Only about 2 or 3 noticeable ones. I see the rest of them. The scar tissue on my knuckles obviously is from hitting things. Teeth, bone, walls, cement, metal, dirt. They have all contributed to my little gallery. razor blades, hot cigarettes, glass also.

One of the things that is freaky to me is when my kids get a cut or a scratch or something that will permanently scar them. It's so horrifying to see this little perfect creature that you helped create be wounded. I don't care if it's a skinned knee or a major cut. I know what they don't. They will carry that mark with them for the rest of the life. Hopefully it won't define them.

It's the marks that you can't see that probably cause me the most damage. I'm not talking about my hands anymore. Every once in a while I point them out to you. The ones that define me.