what could possibly happen next?

2005-01-26

Brick

Here's my worst entry ever. I'm looking around so no one sees what I'm typing. Alabama got an abortion today. Obviously, having 5 children already, I'm torn. I'm feeling relief, guilt and a terrible sadness. Before I go into this, I want you to remember something. This is MY diary. I KNOW that I should have been more careful. I KNOW I should get a vasectomy. I KNOW I fucked up. Way more than you ever in your life could. I don't need a lecture. I need to get this out.

I can't afford any more children. I can barely afford the ones that I have now. Alabama and I don't have the best track history as far as our relationship has gone. The truth is, I didn't really believe that she had an abortion until I talked to her dad a few minutes ago. I wasn't even sure if she was really pregnant. That shows you the extent of trust in our relationship. So do I feel some relief in not bringing another child into this world in the conditions the way they are now? Yes.

Of course that is totally drowned out by the guilt and sadness. I'm not much for thinking fetuses aren't human, unless I suspect when it's convenient for me. I have 5 kids. Abortion obviously is not option #1 for me. If I had a choice, (I don't really. That's fine too, it's not my body.) I would have preferred adoption. I was adopted. My sister was adopted. Do I feel like their's blood on my hands? I sure do. It's OK. I'm sure that it will fade away in time. I'm sorry. I can't use logic to rationalize this away. I'm not going to dwell on it either. I'm already sad about many other things. I don't need to toss more fuel on the fire.

Hey little you,

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that we couldn't be brave and strong enough to give you a chance. I don't know if you would have been better off being born. I don't know anything. I know that I would have loved you. I don't know what else to say to you except that I'm ashamed and I feel like a coward. Please forgive me.

Dad

Now, a little song and I'm out. It's by Ben Folds. It's called brick. I started crying when I heard it today.

6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb

Up the stairs to the apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte
They're not home to find us out
And we drive
Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers
And sell some gifts that I got
Can't you see
It's not me you're dying for
Now she's feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son, it's time to tell the truth
She broke down, and I broke down
Cause I was tired of lying

Driving home to her apartment
For a moment we're alone
Yeah she's alone
I'm alone
Now I know it

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly