what could possibly happen next?

2005-02-15

Downtown

Oh no, I've discovered Limewire. I'm downloading all sorts of good tunes. I love music. It's about the only nonlethal thing that actually can change my mood. It's so wierd. It's like a drug sometimes. All of a sudden I'm hearing all these great tunes and singing along and then I can feel the endorphins rushing around in my head. mmmmmmmmmmmm. That's good. I haven't done any drugs in over a week. See what I mean? I'm a lame addict. I won't go to the wrong side of town to score. I won't spend the rent money. I think that I enjoy the suffering that goes withdrawal.

I know most people think that with meth all you do is sleep for a few days and you are all better. It's not like that. It's like, ummm, how do you describe it? It's like not feeling whole somehow? Like being on mono, not stereo. Seeing a movie that's supposed to be color but now it's black and white. I might have found a new connection. Which would be nice. I'll find out tomorrow.

I told Gene that I'm gone in about 3 weeks. He didn't seem as devastated as I thought he would be. I'm just kidding. Alabama is now talking about moving in with me at the new place. I told her she could but that I'm probably going to end up in one of the cool old hotels downtown. That oughtta scare her off.

I love downtown. Downtown is a real downtown. It's funky man. The yuppies and the bourgeois and the homeless and the crazy and the religious and the black and the white and brown and yellow and the rich and the poor all come together in a glorious mess. You feel alive downtown. You never know what your going to come upon. Friend or foe? That's living man. I want to feel alive again. I want to drink my 40 and do my dope and grab my guitar and play on the streetcorner again. I love watching people as they walk by. Some avert their eyes, some, lost souls like me, look right through you into your soul. Don't look at those guys too long. They will know. Or, if you are lucky, they will know and understand. Maybe empathize. Those kinds of moments are what makes life so much worth living.

Kassie and Bekah (my two daughters up in northern california) have been writing me like crazy. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't open up a whole new set of emotions for me. It's like I've rediscovered these two. I'm loving it yet at the same time I'm afraid to give myself all the way to them. At least I'm being funny with them now. I was really not myself the first couple of times we talked. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm afraid of losing them again.

The Dresden Dolls are playing. Here comes whiskeytown. Low-fi tennessee angel. You say you want to play country, but you're in a punk rock band. Can I relate to that one. Enough senseless blathering then. My 40 is running low.