2004-08-22
Clean but not so serene
Sunday morning. Starbucks frappachino. Nothing to do. Nowhere to go. This isn't my being clean's fault. It's really not. I just have no desire to do anything or go anywhere when I'm not using. Why bother? I'm not happy right now. I'm not that happy when I'm using either. Time just goes by faster, that's all. I love the fact that everybody wants to see me clean yet I hardly see anyone. Ron stopped by for a couple of minutes last night. Today? Just keep telling myself that this is better although I really don't feel that it is. If drugs are going to kill me, I sure wish that they would hurry the fuck up and do it. I'm feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. I won't use today. Tomorrow? I don't know. But that again is the simplicity of these 12 step programs. Or the dynamic. Or whatever.
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