what could possibly happen next?

2004-10-02

The castaway responds

Here's my letter (I hate using the word emal) that I wrote back.

Dear Jessie,

I'm thinking that maybe the both of us are really emotionally guarded. I get scared too. I didn't call because I wasn't sure if you wanted me to. I wanted to give you whatever space that you needed to figure out what you want. I really don't want to put any pressure on you. It would make me feel horrible to ever think that I was pushing you into something that you don't want. That's why I hadn't called or contacted you until I got the shirt and medicine and I was going to explode if I didn't reach out to you some way. I felt the same way you did when I didn't receive any e-mails from you either. Maybe we are both really stubborn. It's not always such a great trait of mine. Did I want to call you and write you and do anything I could to make you feel right? Of course I did. The thing is this, I don't want to convince you to be with me. I want you to be with me because you want to be with me. Not because I'm trying to sell you on us. I don't want to be manipulative. Above all, Jessie, I just want you to be happy. If I wasn't bringing you happiness and by things going so fast you were becoming uncomfortable, I just wanted to back off and give you time to think and figure out what you really want. I think that unfortunately I just took it to the extreme and thought, "she doesn't want to pursue this because she hasn't called." I apologize for that.

As for my week without you, hmmm. Did I miss you? Yes, I missed you. Every time I saw a big red truck, every time I watched the padres(which really sucked, by the way!), every time I saw the notes and letters that we have sent to each other over the last 4 weeks, every time someone asked me how you were doing, every time someone asked me how I was doing, and every time that I laid my head on my pillow, when I finally couldn't stay busy so I didn't have to think. So yeah, I missed you. Alot. I was hurt also. I know that this is probably going to sound stupid, but I'm going to say it anyway. I don't fall for people easily, Jessie. I definitely don't let a whole bunch into my life. My family, my real close friends, and that's about it. I felt like I was taking this huge chance and letting you in and I felt as if you didn't want that. Actually, I felt that you were scared and the whole thing was freaking you out, not to mention being sick, parents and friends questioning you, missing school, getting your divorce papers on Friday didn't help. I didn't end up going to the Aztec game, by the way. That would have just felt bad. The bottom line on ALL of this? I really didn't know what to do. So I did just that. Nothing.

This paragraph is going to be about our favorite four letter word, L-O-V-E. That one single word has caused us a lot of harm. This sounds retarded, but if I could take it back I would. So that we would never have had to go through any of this. It's out there on the table already so I guess we are going to have to take a look at it. I've been doing a little analyzing and debate myself over this subject in the last week. Jessie, you asked me on Saturday (or maybe told me) How can you love me? You don't even know me. I didn't say anything when you said it because I wasn't going to let some trite bullshit come flying out of my mouth that I know would have just made things worse. I also thought that it was a really good question that deserved an answer. How can I love you without knowing you? First off, it's very possible for me to love the parts of you that I have met so far. No one in this world is ever gong to really know everything about anybody, much less after figuring all of that out, deciding if you can love that person or not. There's no criteria for love Jessie. At least that's what I think. Love is crazy. Love is waiting for an email and when you finally see it your heart beats hard through your chest. Love is that feeling I get when I look at you and you don't notice and I get to admire you. Love is going against every better judgment, forgetting every heartbreak, and taking a chance and having some hope. Love is just laying on the couch, holding hands, watching a baseball game and feeling that if it was like this forever, laying there with you, I would be the luckiest guy I know. Unfortunately for you (and me probably too) I have that artist's passion. I can't help that. I should learn not to blurt shit out when I probably shouldn't. So, here I am exposing myself to you again. It's OK if you don't reciprocate these feelings Jessie. I'm not asking you to love me. Or say that you love me. People work at different speeds, and I know that you are coming out of a 10 1/2 year relationship. It's hard to trust someone again. You don't have to trust me, Jessie. If you want, though, I will earn it. I'm definitely not Mr. Trusting Guy either and there's a part of me that says "just move on. There's other fish in the sea." I'm just not that kind of guy, Jessie. I want YOU to be MY fish, ya know? I don't want any other fish right now. People aren't interchangeable, you mentioned that on the phone too. YOU aren't interchangeable to me. I'm really not that lonely Jessie. Or, this is probably better, I wasn't lonely. I don't need anyone. I will live my life as best I can whether I find a relationship or not. Honestly, I wasn't looking for anyone. So BECAUSE of whatever it is that I find special about you it makes me throw all of that out the window. I want to be with you. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you and make you feel as special as I think that you are. Is love delusional? Totally! That's why it screws us all up the way it does and makes us say and do things that we regret.

Jessie, if I don't tell you these things then I WILL have regret. If I can't let you know how much I just dig you, how it puts a smile on my face just thinking of you, that I just think that you are DA bomb! I will regret it. I don't want to live with regret. I might have though if you hadn't written. That's what a stubborn jackass I can be. OK, truth? I was going to write you today also. Damn, this is getting long and I'm sure that I will start repeating myself here soon. Jessie, my parents knew each other 2 weeks and got married. They lived happily together for 38 years. I'm not asking you to marry me. All I want is a chance. All I want is for you to let your guard down just a little. All I want is to feel as good and happy and stupid as I was feeling the last couple of weeks. All I want is to be able to make you comfortable enough around me that we don't have to worry about semantics. All I want is for you to know that I am aware of what you're going through in your life right now, and that if you need me to just be a friend, I'll be your friend. If you want more, I am so down with it. If you want me to piss off and never contact you again, I'll do that to. I won't be happy about it, but I'll do it! lol

OK, Jessie that's it. That' what I'm thinking in a giant nutshell. What say you?

Paul