what could possibly happen next?

2004-10-03

I blew it but it's ok

AWWWW shit!!!!! It's just not going to happen ya guys. We talked last night and patched things up and we were supposed to hang out today. Unfortunately, I got tied up and didn't get home until about 5:30pm. I had an email from her saying that she had waited around and then decided to just forget about it. I'm totally in the wrong here. I know this. I feel like an idiot. Here's the thing. In the email she says that this is a "sign" that we weren't meant to be. Huh? Sign? What in god's name is a fucken sign? The only thing that it means is that I'm a fuckup. I can take my beating for that. The rest of the e-mail (I should just put it up on the board but I already deleted it.) So, we aren't meant to be. then some really trite stupid remark at the end "too bad, so sad, thanks for the times that we had." What is this? the fucken High School Yearbook? "I guess all I have to say is bye! Jess"

Now at first I was trying to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. But that last comment stuck in my craw. You know what? If you are really that emotionally retarted that is the only thing you can come up with to break up with me I probably don't want to be with you in the first place! I had a real moment of clarity at that point. She's a wonderful girl. But there is now way this girl is going to ever let her guard down long enough to let me in. I don't need the drama or the hassle of all this. I wrote her back and told her that she was right. We probably shouldn't see each other. I don't want to be with anyone that I have to constantly battle with just to keep them from running. That's the way that she has come across to me the last week. Sorry, Jessie, I already had a world class fuckup in Alabama. I see the signs alot earlier now. I'm not going to be constantly pleading with you to be with me. Either do it or don't. At this point, I don't even think that I WANT to be with her. I want something a little more than this. I'm really not that messed up about it. Maybe pissed. I am really going to have to start watching myself to make sure that I am not trying to fit square pegs into round holes. I don't think that I mis-read her. I think that she just got scared and this is the way she reacted. Probably just bad timing. That happens in life. The girl that she has been the last week is not someone that I would want to date or have a relationship with. That bums me out. Sigh~~~~