what could possibly happen next?

2004-03-29

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It's spring, and I'm right back where I normally am. In love with someone that is so far away from me that it's stupid. A couple of years ago there was this girl. Her name was Gabe. I saw her in an NA meeting that I used to go to. I was smitten with her. Most of the girls in the program (ok, I'm generalizing here, but it pretty much holds true) have been rode hard and put away wet, if you know what I mean. Gabe was different. She wasn't the most beautiful, or exciting, or flashy, but man, was she just something. I'm only smitten by a girl every couple of years so it is a big deal when it happens. I started talking to her after meetings (something I don't normally do with newcomer girls, but I couldn't help myself). I'd sit next to her when we would go out to eat, and we would talk about life. We became good friends, talked on the phone every day, hung out whenever possible, and I did nothing to hide the fact that I was totally infatuated with her. She was everything that I could ever want. Then she told me that she just wanted to keep it as friends. My feelings were hurt, but you know when you like someone so much that it doesn't matter? I mean 3 of the songs we play in the 66ohm set are written about this girl. She doesn't know that. I would never tell a girl "this song is about you." Anyway, I digress. I ended up fucking her best friend just for kicks, nothing serious, and I didn't think anything of it cuz she already told me she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship. Well, OMG, did that change things. I don't know if her friend told her it was good or what but one night she invites me over to watch a punk rock movie about the sex pistols. Really romantic, huh? Well, I'm getting tired it's about 3 in the morning and I say, "Hey, you want to give me a ride home? I'm getting tired." She looks me dead in the eye and says "well, I don't feel like driving. You have two choices. You can sleep on the couch or you can come sleep with me....". I almost hit the floor dead. I mean we had flirted before but never even kissed. Well, I won't go into the gory details, but needless to say we ended up sleeping together that night. That was it. About a week later she says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone. A month later she is dating one of my friends in the program. OUCH! Wish that I had never slept with her. I miss her as a friend as much as I have ever missed someone. When we see each other now, we talk and it feels good to see her but I think that I'm still hurt. Love sucks.