what could possibly happen next?

2004-05-10

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Went and saw Anna get her 16 year cake tonight. It was sweet. Ron gave it to her. It was a good meeting all about how addicts deal with other addicts that go back out and use. Addicts like me. I thought that was interesting. If I had shared I would have said something like this. "I know that my friends were so good to me and I couldn't see it through the haze. They hung in as long as they could. I could see it in their eyes when they looked at me and saw me deteriorating. What I thought was patronizing and hateful looks was actually fear at watching sink deeper and deeper into my addiction. It wasn't a private thing either. I'm playing shows, being a public person, and acting like a freak. If you read my old diary you would know all the bad things I said about Ron. What I forgot to mention was that I threw up in his truck on more than one occasion, embarrassed him in front of people, he had to drag me out of parties when I had too many, he had to wait around while I was trying to make drug deals, pick my sorry, loaded ass, up for practice, and shows. Had to endure his friends coming from Tennessee to watch us play a big show up in Carlsbad only for me to proceed to get so fucked up that they had to hold me up on stage to finish the set. Watching me get so emaciated and weak that I could barely lift my own amp after shows, could barely keep my pants up because I had lost so much weight. Yeah, at a certain point, people have to let you go. That's what happened. That's why I'm so grateful now for those people in my life that hung in there as long as they could, probably much longer than I would have." That's what I would have shared. If there wasn't so many loudmouths talking about themselves. LOL. I'm just kidding.