what could possibly happen next?

2004-09-19

random thoughts

So I'm writing. Journaling as it were. Every once in awhile I just want to hear my thinking and not just what, who, or how I did something. I'm going to type something that I've been not wanting to type for fear of jinxing it or fucking it up. I think that Jessie could be her. You know. That one. The one that it seems that all of us are looking for. As soon as I type that I know you're thinking Osama Bin Laden. NO! "The one." The one that I can take to breakfast with my family and they can immediately dig her. The one that I can just kick back and watch the padres or chargers with and she is into it too. The one we can drive down the hill from Ramona and sing the black crowes at the top of our lungs with the wind blowing in. The one that I can tell things that I don't want to tell anyone about for fear of them leaving. She's not afraid of my past. She makes me comfortable enough with her to share it. EVEN the awful dark things from the last year. Not in detail, I don't want to hurt her. What was happening in a general way and how I was feeling in a specific way. How do I put it? She's mature? I have a tendency to date emotionally retarted people ala' myself. She's not that at all. She's very calm and laid back. Which is good for me. I don't have to be afraid of saying anything to her.

Here's the deal though. The REAL deal. The one that I kinda thought might never happen for me again. She makes me want to try. To try. To wake up in the morning and not just groan waiting to die. Maybe it's hard to tell if you're around me cuz I'm usually cutting up most of the time, but for a long time I've just been sick of life. What's the point? I've been married, had kids, played in bands, things that I would've thought made me feel better but always turned out to make it even harder for me to want to go on. Try having 5 kids with 4 different women. There's a lot of heartache and trauma involved in all of that even though most of the time I try to slump it off. Jessie gives me hope. She knows all the bad shit (well most) and still wants to be with me because she's looking at who I am and not who I've been. That in itself just makes me feel good to no end. I know that I should try for myself. Or my kids. Or whatever. I do. I go to work everyday and makes sure that they are taken care of. But that's not really trying. That's just existing. Maybe that's what I'm talking about. Jessie makes me want to do more than just exist. She's helped me turn a corner somewhere in my mind that I haven't been able to get to in awhile. OK Jessie, maybe one day you will read this, down the road I know I'm the kind of person that will want to share this with you. I'm not going to say this to you for awhile, but I'm going to type it right here. Jessie James Oakley, I love you. Right when I'm typing this, I get this e-mail from her. She might say she "only" likes me, but she loves me too! Dear Paul- I had such a wonderful time over this weekend. I wanted to be sure I conveyed this to you. It was so nice and warm to share both our families. My breath is very much taken away. You are very special and I feel lucky. I'm not meaning to scare you but I do truly like you a lot. I look forward to the...(future)? or whatever comes,... I have a good, strong full of passion kind of feeling and well I just wanted to share how special our short time together has been (so far) to me. You make me feel intensely fabulous inside and out. I hope I can at least make you a portion of that happy if not more. I'll be sleeping tonight in my bed that makes me think of you with that smile on my face that you so love. See ya tomorrow. J.