2004-10-02

message in a bottle

Dear Paul,

I have been thinking about you. How could I not? Ur wondering why I haven't called. You didn't call either, for a long time at least. Ur messages last thur. sounded so sad. It sucks that I'm apart of the reason. I don't read minds & well I know you don't either & we obviously have a lot on them. Care to share? I have ALWAYS been very protective with saying what exactly is on my mind. Not really an asset but I know it is the way I am. So for better or worse I'll do my best to say something, anything. Maybe it will make sense maybe not; but I can only try. Alright?

Soooo....hummm....shit okay. 1st off I'm a really grouchy sick person. I wish I hadn't been so sick for those 3 wks. I'm not/wasn't myself & I do have an awesome ability to withdraw & feel bad about my actions or maybe lack of actions. I let myself completely over analyze you & I. I compared, questioned, looked at us through a microscope, shook us up & down, viewed us from a distance, tried really hard to make heads or tails of what is going on. I've come up with this: I dont know what the fuck love is, or better, what love means. I dont trust it. Love seems delusional. Yes, I love my family, friends, pets, neighbors...but I dont makelove TO them. It messes everything up. I've become insanely guarded. You dont love me; you couldn't. We don't really know each other. But the odd thing is just how many little things we both view in similar ways. What we take in, what we pick up on. We do have a lot in common & that common ground is comfortable & relaxing. I do miss you; but I don't know who or what I am. I don't trust me. I'm not a hurtful person. It seems harder & harder lately to say that.

I wont at this time allow myself to get all involved with you to such an engrossing depth. We are lonely. That doesn't mean that we are right for each other. Does it? You've got to have some mixed feelings I imagine. You scare me; or rather I've let you scare me with love, passion and closeness. HA- that sounds so stupid! Truth is: I have no idea what I'm saying! So great this is a really productive letter huh?

What I can't get around is; I spent 10 yrs trying to make love work and I gave up on it. Now to live with it's shadow and deal with others views and questions regarding it, well I hate love. I just really don't understand what a relationship is. I don't see a future with a functional love. I don't have what it takes. I'm even beyond overwhelmed thinking about it. It's easier to be lonely. So all of this bullshit on top of we haven't spoke in a week and I was to sick for the Aztecs and you didn't go to the Padres last game; you never e-mailed ( my in box has never been so disappointing ), I physically received the actual divorce papers, had to talk to my almost X about them during this week, I had my _eval w/ the obgyn doc for the cyst pain I told you briefly about and (on & on) I'm blowing off class and drinking to much. I failed the accounting mid-term gezzzzz. It's been a sucky fucked up week. Ya know I was not going to say "I'm sorry"; but I think that I do owe you an apology. I'm sorry Paul. Sorry for effecting you. Well this IS quite the weird e-mail. If you want, pls write me back. Tell me where ur at. How ur doing out there. What do you feel? I do wish you wellness & happiness; & I do miss you.

Take ur time; if you never write I understand. Regardless smile okay.

Jessie
The next entry is my response, oky doky?