what could possibly happen next?

2004-10-07

random midnight entry

I don't really have anything to say but I thought that I would say something so that you would all know that I'm ok. Thanks for all of your comments and well wishes and gasps and all the other things that you rode along with me. That was crazy. Another one of those dream sequence couple of weeks. Man, I got to start listening to my feelings. The ones that tell me that this is too good to be true, better watch yourself. I've never been much good at that. Especially if I'm really feeling something for a person. Two weeks ago, I was thinking that I couldn't believe that maybe this could actually be something that works out. Well, so much for my thinking. I'm ok. In some ways I'm kinda relieved. There's not the stress of having to worry about another person's wants and desires or having them interfere with mine. That's a good thing. Sometimes that kind of stresses me out. I haven't done the whole "I wonder what she is doing right now?" kind of thing until I just thought of it right now. I'm not really that interested I guess. It was nice to look at girls with leering, discreet eyes again. Yeah, when I'm seeing someone I always feel bad when I look at a girl too long even if I'm not with them. Like that means in my head that I really don't like them. Aren't you glad you read all of this psycho bullshit? Don't you ever wonder what a nut case that I really must be? What makes girls that seem to like me run away from me for no apparent reason? That's what I would be asking myself. Ooooh good, here comes the self hatred. I swear to god sometimes I just loathe myself. It has nothing and everything to do with Jessie. Maybe that's part of the thing that hurts about relationships. Not so much the other person not being there anymore. Maybe it's the having to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself and try and figure out what the fuck you're doing wrong. I don't mean wrong in the sense that ya aren't taking care of yourself or whatever. It could be just wrong in the way that you are going about choosing people to be in your life. What really sucks is I DO have a great friend picker. I always have the most awesome friends. It's always been that way. Girls, few and far between. I mean girlfriends. I have loads of girl friends. Obviously. Look at all of you. It's the same way in my real life too. It's midnight. I can feel the cool air on my forehead. I'm tired. A little lonely. I look over at the couch where I was with jessie just 3 days ago. It's empty now. So am I. The thing is, I'm not really feeling that way because of her. What happens is that I'm feeling all of the shit from past relationships come flying up in my face. Ghosts of relationships past. All of the regret and resentment and fear and pain of all those events are what's kicking my ass. To sum it all up, Haven't I learned a goddamned thing in 39 years? Well, yeah, I guess that I've learned to just keep moving.