what could possibly happen next?

2004-12-29

Charm

I was going to write about the rest of christmas weekend. I went to Alabama's saturday morning and stayed the night. Had great sex, blah blah blah. Who gives a fuck? I'm just contemplating why I even do this. I'm NOT thinking about leaving, just wondering why. When I started this diaryland adventure I just thought it would be cool to enter the events that I went through being in my band. Where we played, what we were working on, who we met, parties etc. It's evolved (devolved?) in to something else entirely. But why? It would be just as easy to vanish. Write my notes in my little journal book and let that be that. I'm sure that a lot of it is just my exhibitionist nature. Even in my day to day life I would say that I have no kind of screening mechanism that allows me to be quiet and not state what I'm feeling and why right when I'm feeling it. I think that came from all the therapy, rehabs and Anonymous meeting programs I went to when I was a teenager. I'm compulsively searching my motives and my actions and the how's andy why's of it. Did I mention I'm a little self involved? Another major reason is all of you! I have developed relationships with most of the regular readers of my diary. Even if it's as simple as leaving notes back and forth on our notes page. Ron's the only one that I know that reads this that's in my real life. I try hard not to censor myself because of it. I'm sure that he wishes that I had a lot of times. I think it's kind of cool that I have developed such a diverse group of online buddies as I have in you. A lot of times over the last couple years it's been reading YOUR entries, the notes that you have left for me, the "hang in there's" that I get from time to time when I'm going through it, that have made even my worse days feel just good enough so I don't end up hurting myself. (I don't mean suicide, more along the line of indulging in my habits to the extreme.) Does anyone know the life expectancy of an online diary? The last reason that I continue to do this is that I feel responsible to just not dissapear. I know how terrible I feel when one of you leaves for any extended period of time. Sometimes, all I can manage is to post some song lyrics that feel particularly relate to whatever I'm going through. Sometimes it's just a blah blah blah just to let you know that I'm alive, just incapable of making an entry. At least you get that. You are probably wondering at this point, "bub, are you alright? You need some medication honey?" It's just that my closest and longest diaryland buddy might be leaving for good. I understand this on an intellectual level, people get tired and they move on. On an emotional level it's the equivalant of your best friend in kindergarten saying that they are moving away at the end of the school year. When I was reading her entry, I felt like I was going to die inside. I wish I was more logical and less emotional. I'm not. I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I really FEEL the things you are writing about just as if you were in my real life. Lissa going through her relationship with El Toro, Pixie putting herself out there and getting hurt, Lulublu when she was having problems with getting her financial aid, Miss 2k struggling with her meds and depression, you get the picture. This person and I started our diaries about the same time. I fell out for awhile when I was going through the whole Alabama situation in the beginning. She was the one who would leave me little notes of encouragement, the one that told me I was missed and please start writing again. Eventually I did, and then we started chatting. It's funny that we only live about 20 minutes apart and have never met. It was never about a sexual thing with us. Just friends. Her son and my daughter are about the same age and in the same grade, so I could relate when she was talking about him. I have told her and shown her things (lol, no not that! freaks!)that I've never even put in my diary, and she has done the same with me. Typing this out is making me feel better. Charm, thank you for being such a good friend the last couple of years. Thank you for caring about me when I couldn't care about myself. Thank you for making me feel good about myself when I thought I was just a piece of shit. Thank you for all the wonderful laughs that we have shared. Thank you for just being you. I do love you, in that wierd internet way that you can't explain to anyone. You have a special place in my heart always. If you're reading this, sweet dreams to YOU when you get there.