what could possibly happen next?

2005-01-20

my first update on the brand new server! Yay!

So some of you are up, and some of you are being regenerated. Whatever the hell that means. I hate to admit it, but I went through a little diaryland withdrawal. I spent last night typing up this memo for my guys.

The Pen Guys
Memo
To: Front Sales Staff
From: �Krazy� Joe Frank
CC: Eugene Wackrow, Everyone Else
Date: January 20, 2005
Re: Sales

It�s recently come to my attention that you are letting sales slip into your hands even though you are doing your best to avoid them. I thought that I would give you some tips so that you can COMPLETELY waste your time while you are here.

TIME MANAGEMENT
While most of you are excellent at this aspect of the job, here�s a couple of pointers. The easiest way to lose sales is just don�t show up. This will almost guarantee that you make no sales, unless of course someone actually calls in or e-mails you in your absence. The frequency of this is about once in a blue moon, so take full advantage of this wonderful way to effectively stop the deals from flowing.

One of the great aspects of being an independent contractor is your ability to come and go as you please. This is another excellent tool that you have in your possession. Take full advantage of this also. Show up whenever you want. Leave early. It�s all good. Watch your sales slip as apathy and lethargy chip away at your already boundless enthusiasm.

Here�s another good time management tool. Take as many breaks as you can. At least 15 to 20 minutes an hour is about right. Have a beer. Smoke a couple of cigarettes. Shoot the bull with the other guys. Discussion topics: Football, reality TV, chicks, what you would do if you had any money. How you are going to pay the rent, bills, drug dealer. How �Krazy� doesn�t know shit. All excellent topics to be discuss when you could be dialing the phone.

ATTITUDE

As you know, attitude is an integral part of sales. Ummm, maybe you don�t. OK. Attitude IS an integral part of sales. A good attitude will almost guarantee an increase in sales. Let�s nip that in the bud right now. Here�s a couple of ideas that will help throw that cheerful disposition right in the mud.

Stay up too late and party. That will definitely help knock that attitude down to size. There is nothing better than hopping on the phone and talking to complete strangers when you are tired and hung over.

Rejection. Take every no sale that you get as a rejection as you as a person. They aren�t busy, have other things on their minds, don�t like pens, or have been burned before. They actually know that it is YOU on the other end of the line. They have your personal history and picture. They KNOW. This is an excellent frame of mind to be in. It leads to DISGOURAGEMENT.

Discouragement. Know in your heart of hearts before you even dial the number that the contact is not going to buy. Not from you. Not from the Pen Guys. Not from ANY guys! What in the world would a body shop in Texas want with their name on pens? An upholsterer in Minnesota? A dog groomer in Phoenix? A restaurant in Gainesville? A snowmobile shop in Hudson, New Hampshire? All just a big waste of time. Ignore all of the evidence that these people actually DO buy. That they are sold over and over by the experienced guys in the other room. At this point you should be at the 3rd step of poor attitude. Blame.

Blame. Blame is good. It takes the pressure off. Instead of looking at yourself (save that for therapy), lash out! Helps relieve the frustration. Here�s some good topics of blame. Try it. It�s the leads! It�s the state! It�s the category! It�s cold in here! It�s hot in here! The guy sitting next to me is too loud! It�s too bright! It�s too dark! It�s Joe! It�s Gene! It�s Randy! It�s the radio station! It�s too early! It�s too late! I�m hungry! I�m tired! It�s the pitch! It�s the time zone! It�s my parents! You see? Don�t you feel better knowing that it�s not you? This leads to the final step of attitude, resolution.

Resolution. You�ve done it! Congratulations! You have resolved that you will not write any business the rest of the day. Slam that phone down, boy! You deserve it! Push all those loser leads that stupid guy that doesn�t know what he�s talking about to the side. Lay your head down on the desk and take a peaceful nap smug in the satisfaction that you did all YOU could do.

There you have it. Just thought that I would give you some helpful hints to further your productivity here at The Pen Guys. If anyone has any other suggestions, please contact me and let me know. If, God forbid, you want to actually start making money at this, let me know that also. I would be more than willing to help you.
�Krazy� Joe Frank

p.s. Just to let you know, we�ve all been through this. It�s up to you if you want to change. We�re here to help.
Really.
It received a wonderful reception at work today. Oh yeah, at work, I'm "krazy" Joe, if you didn't know.

In other news, I am a scoudrel. I'm hooking up with Lakeside girl on saturday. Meeting her for coffee and then whatever. I'm sure that we can all figure out the whatever. I'm feeling a little guilty. I'm sure it will pass.